Quote 1: Referenced in Southhan’s article is Peter Singer’s pond analogy, “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes?” (435)
Revised: The EAs believe that art and artists aren’t doing enough to help improve the world. They back this belief up using Peter Singer’s pond analogy, “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes?” (435). The EAs believe that if you would save the child from drowning, why can’t you help the impoverished people?
I decided to fix this quote, because I gave no detail about the quote. In order for my readers to get a full understanding of the quote, they need a more detailed context about the beliefs of the EAs and how if connects to the quote. I also decided to follow the quote with a question that the EAs ask to get my readers to be more engaged.
Quote 2: As for Titus Kaphar, he wanted to amend historical artwork when his son asked, “How come he gets to ride while they have to walk?” This caused Titus Kaphar to take action and attempt to amend history.
Revised: Titus Kaphar, an artist who amends history through his artwork was inspired by a simple question asked by his son when they visited the Natural History Museum and came across a statue of Theodore Roosevelt riding a horse with an African American and Native American walking behind him. His son asked, “How come he gets to ride while they have to walk?” This inspired Kaphar to give those characters in the background more of a voice through his paintings by bringing them to the front of his paintings and making them more noticeable.
Like the first quote, I needed more context to introduce the quote. The readers needed to know what provoked Kaphar’s son to ask that question and how he responded to his son. I also needed to explain what actions Kaphar took to give those characters a voice in his artwork.
Nick,
That context you added in that second paragraph makes an enormous difference to the clarity of your argument. 3/3